The Fear and the Ecstasy

Wow. Well, that’s been a big few weeks. Want to know what intensity is? Have your in-laws arrive after 18 months and 12,000 miles, on the day you have your entirely unexpected and very wanted pregnancy confirmed.

Then, go on a trip with them and your husband. One house. One bathroom. Four people. Spend the entire time spotting and cramping.

And, yeah – try and remain C.A.L.M.

Excuse my French – but, fuck me.

This week, two things happened: they headed home, and Mr Bun and I saw a heartbeat.

At six weeks and five days, a feathery, flickery heartbeat. I didn’t cry – I haven’t cried at all since this happened. I think I’m still in shock. I was happy, yes – but it feels like a measured, superstitious relief. It’s been so long, with so many months of so much bad news. I just can’t quite come to terms with it.

And that’s probably the theme of Me right now. While I have Dr D’s words of reassurance in my head, that a heartbeat at six weeks means the chance of miscarriage is much lower, I am still very frightened. My symptoms of mild queasiness and dizziness have disappeared over the past few days, and I find myself fretting that that’s a bad sign.

We have only told immediate family, and every happy announcement is followed by a sombre warning, ‘It is very early days … please don’t get too excited.’ It’s like I am compulsive in sharing my pessimism, hoping that to multiply it is to create a fortress around us that can defend from bad juju.

I feel a tad ridiculous now I’m writing this down. Especially when I know there are other women out there at this stage who are happily shouting the news from the proverbial rooftops, full of joy and baby catalogues. Why do I have to be so neurotic!?

My paranoia and hypochondria is balanced by Mr Bun’s quiet, steady optimism. He’s the rational one, and prefers to rely on the scan, heartbeat and Dr D’s pronouncements rather than my ‘feelings’ and ‘vibes’.


Smart bloke that one – lucky I married him.

I apologise if you’re having a tough IF time, and this sounds like the ungrateful bleatings of a woman who has what you want (I may be neurotic, but at least I’m self-aware). This blog has always been about honesty on the most self-centered of subjects: me. The support I have received (and hopefully will continue to receive) has been priceless and magical.

Whatever happens, I hope that remains, while I in turn can continue to provide it to others.


10 thoughts on “The Fear and the Ecstasy

  1. Just wanted to say a huge congratulations and wish you & Mr Bun the very best for your pregnancy – enjoy it! Just about to embark on IVF (after two years of trying) but have taken a lot of inspiration and hope from your blog. Thank you for sharing your experience. x

    • Thanks Sasha! Feel free to share your blog address (if you have one). My IVF round 2.2 was infinitely easier with the support of the amazing community on here. Ain’t the interweb wonderful?
      All the best for your IVF – it really isn’t that bad – and you can take comfort in knowing you’re moving in the right direction.

  2. Wow, that’s wonderful news! I’m 5 weeks today and our first scan is at 7 weeks, I didn’t realise you could get a heart beat that early! I really hope now that we can see ours, It will be amazing.

    I’m so happy for you and totally understand you still being apprehensive. It’s not that your not grateful, your just protecting yourself from possible disappointment.

    But things are looking mighty fine for you girl 🙂

  3. First of all. YEA HEARTBEAT!!! But I don’t think you are being neurotic or ridiculous at all about not being so excited.The only ones who would be shouting from rooftops at this stage are the fertile ones, who don’t have a clue what our world is like.
    I also do hope that you have moments when you are really enjoying it, don’t forget that this may really be it for you!!!
    Take care

  4. Congratulations!! That is absolutely fantastic news! Of COURSE you are still being measured about your joy – anyone who’s been through what we’ve been through would be. After having our hopes dashed time and time again, it would be weird if we didn’t feel an automatic fear every time things started to go well. Heck, I’m feeling fear just at the prospect of trying IVF again with a new clinic…just that slight glimmer of hope is making me scared. If I ever get pregnant (which seems like an impossibility right now) I will probably be in shock my entire pregnancy!
    Best best best of luck, I’ll be cheering you along!

  5. I think it is perfectly ok to voice your fears, just because you are pregnant doesn’t mean that all the crap you have been through disappears. A certain amount of paranoia is acceptable, even expected. I am so happy for you I have been desperate for an update but didn’t want to pressure. And finally, shit is there nothing more annoying than someone who announces at 5w? It just means an extra 7w of listening to their crap that we could have totally done without. Enjoy the next few weeks with Mr Bun savouring the joy of what you have created.

  6. Been thinking about you. So exciting. Also…”I may be neurotic, but at least I’m self-aware”? I need this on a t-shirt. Stat. 🙂


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