OK, here goes …

I have had three positive betas. As of last Thursday (when I had my most recent test) they were still doubling.

I’m sorry I haven’t written. You see, I’ve been … superstitious. Not just about blogging, about everything. Since we had the results of the second beta – which I was SO SURE would confirm this was just another blip – I’ve been a neurotic, wobbly knot of superstitions. Everything I do, I wonder if that will be the ‘thing’ that causes this to end.

It feels very strange. I know I sound crazy. Please forgive me. I’m sorry if it seems selfish, or ungrateful – but I’m not ‘elated’, or ‘over the moon’ or – even – ‘excited’.

I am scared. I. am. so. scared.

We went for a ‘viability’ ultrasound on Wednesday, as I had been having some sharp, stabbing pains and Dr D was worried about an ectopic. What was discovered was … nothing.

Rather than being 5-6 weeks, they measured me at 4w5d, which points to ovulation a week or so late. They couldn’t confirm if what we were looking at was viable, was growing, was ectopic – was anything. So, we had the third beta on Thursday (again, which I was sure would have dropped) and now we sit tight until a second viability scan in just over a week.

I don’t have any symptoms. Absolutely nothing. I don’t feel like this is real.

I am a toilet paper addict. I stare at the sheet at what seems like 100 times a day. The seconds after I see white are probably the only times when I feel OK. The rest of the time, I am walking around wondering how long this will last … whether I will break completely when it ends … and then sometimes, really brief moments of sometimes, I allow myself to maybe think that possibly this may last.

I am heading interstate on Tuesday morning, and I so desperately want to book in another beta before I go. That at least may tide me over until I return and we have our scan.

But, if it is dropping … I’m on a plane with Mr Bun and his parents the next morning, away from Dr D for six days, and … god.

What do you think I should do? Am I being paranoid? Shouldn’t I just enjoy the trip with the hope of a scan delivering good news on our return? Or should I give into this fear that three years of infertility and loss has given me?

We keep holding each other tight and saying thank you and hoping hoping hoping this bizarre, surprising, shock has a wonderfully happy ending. I’m trying so hard to be positive. I’m also trying to build a little support structure around my heart, just in case it breaks.

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9 thoughts on “OK, here goes …

  1. all I can say is WOW…. I can’t believe it! I was so sure, like you, that your second BT would be negative, so I am absolutely estatic to hear it keeps going up!

    I don;t blame you for being shit scared – i would be exactly the same. Naybe see if you can have another BT before you go, just so it sort of puts your mind at ease. Nothing will get rid of your anxious feeling for a few weeks yet, but every little positive thing helps.

    I will have everything crossed for you!!! xo

  2. So the first beta WAS very early.

    Oh goodness. I think it I was you I’m be constantly passing out from holding my breath. If I was you I’d get another beta before you travel. Knowledge is power, and if you don’t you won’t be able to relax an iota, this way you might allow yourself a bit of an exhale.

  3. This really could be it for you!!!
    I would be freaking out every day (every second) as well. I have come to the conclusion that its normal to be crazy with infertility!
    I have been thinking of this scenario over the last few months. If I get pregnant again, how will I get thru it and not worry so much? I don’t think its possible because of the history. The best I have come up with to say to myself during those times is ‘Today I am pregnant.’ As you get further along, it should get better.
    Best of luck to you.

  4. Do you follow the port of indecision? She had several losses before her current pregnancy (which is looking good so far!) and she took the track of not checking anything until 8 weeks, and just trying not to think about it. It worked for her. I don’t know if something like that would work for you. I know for me it wouldn’t, and I’d probably want as much info as possible. Limbo is terrible. And scary. Do what your gut tells you. It’s really the only thing we can do in this situation…

  5. wow, this is amazing! I completely get the being scared and superstition part of it. All I can do is speak for myself and I think in that situation I would try to get another beta. Fingers crossed for you!!

  6. Yay! This is wonderful news! I would also get another beta before I travel. If for no other reason than to know if it was safe to travel. But I worry about that stuff. Whatever you choose, do try and enjoy this trip and keep your mind at ease and congratulations again!

  7. Thanks ladies. I’ve organised a fourth beta for tomorrow. I really thought I could wait, but I’m feeling particularly ‘off’ today. The right-hand-side ‘stabby’ cramps have started again (kicking off more fear of ectopic). I’m so worried. They aren’t super painful – actually pretty mild. But it doesn’t help.

    Dr D has ‘absolutely no concern’ about me travelling. So, it’s fingers crossed for a good beta and for the stupid, scary cramps to go away.

    Bloody hell.

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