They shoot horses, don’t they? (11dp3dt)

So, I took a HPT yesterday and – GUESS WHAT READERS – t’was negative.
I know, right!? GASP etc!!
(my Grandmother always said sarcasm wasn’t very becoming. I’ll stop now).

While we knew that would be the answer, of course it still hurts. That old familiar searing pain of disappointment. After  a big cry and a bigger glass of wine, the residual feeling is ‘why have we gone backwards’? After the mountains of drugs, the nice long rest, the extra acupuncture, the time off work … we produced less embryos, of worse quality, lasting fewer days, with no positive beta at all. All of this is worse than the past year worth of IVF work.
Let me repeat that:

We are actually worse off than when we started. 
It’s a REALLY SPECIAL FEELING … (sorry Grandma).

I spoke to Nurse Awesome yesterday and asked to move my blood test to today. No sireee. They just don’t test ‘that early’. Ha!

So, I test tomorrow morning. In the meantime I’ve got to continue with the progesterone and estraderm and those goddamn Clexane needles that are starting to make my belly look like a bruised pear, all until tomorrow afternoon when she’ll call with the negative result.
I can feel my body protesting against the drugs. All it wants to do is start my period and see this giant, expensive waste of a July off.

Clearly the next step is the old WTF Appointment with Dr D. Mr Bun and I have collated a list of questions, and I’m going to ask the receptionist if they’ll let us email it through ahead of time. Maybe that way she may actually have some answers instead of trite ‘It’s a numbers game’-style phrases to toss around.

My dear friend said yesterday, ‘You’re just getting all of your failures over and done with.’ Maybe. But right now it feels that Failure is all we’re made for.


5 thoughts on “They shoot horses, don’t they? (11dp3dt)

  1. Oh love I am really sorry. I know it is an oft used word in infertility but I truly am. I know how hard it is to go through this time and time again. Sure you might be getting all your failures at once but why do you even need to have failures. it sucks and it isn’t fair. having a HUGE massive drink for you as well. xx

  2. So sorry…. It’s just not fair. Then it’s just rubbing it in your face when you still have to do the blood test, knowing full well what the result will be.

    Nothing wrong with sarcasm – think it helps get us through these shit times

    Thinking of you xxx

  3. I’m so sorry, t’s just not fair. I really feels like they are just rubbing it in your face when you still have to do the blood test, knowing full well what the result will be. It almost feels like a waste of good blood.

    There is nothing wrong with sarcasm – I think it helps get us through these shit times.

    Bring on the WTF appointment- hope you get a few more answers this time….

    Thinking of you xxx

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