The Nothingness of Waiting (5dp3dt)

I am 5dp3dt and already the waiting is kiiiii-ling me.

My Lazy Week Off Work continues in the way it began, with a whole lot of Not Much being done. Yesterday I hung out with my only friend who’s not at work, ‘cos she’s a Mum to a gorgeous little boy. Of all my friends, she’s the one I’ve opened up to most about the expensive medical rollercoaster that is my life. She’s very wise … I was ranting on pessimistically, saying that if this round was unsuccessful it would be a ‘complete waste of time and money’ … (yeah, I was great company yesterday).

‘No, it’s not. Every step is a step forward. It changes you and it changes the process’.

Without any frozen embryos it’s been difficult to see this round as a productive one. Yet, she’s right. It helps to see this round as something, as opposed to nothing. As I’ve said before, coping with IVF is about recalibrating: shuffling your expectations around. That’s what I need to do. Not see this as an empty waste, but instead as something tangible that’s contributing in some way to eventual success. Just how it has is unknown, but I’m sure we’ll work it out.

And yes – I know I’m speaking as if failure is inevitable, but you need to work with me here. I’m a fully functioning pessimist, and after the loss of last round this is what I need to do in order to cope.

I haven’t given up. I’ve got a whole bunch of symptoms*. While rationally I know most of these are caused by the heady cocktail of Progesterone, Estraderm, Predisolone and Clexane; it still helps to keep things interesting.

What will also keep things interesting is monitoring my resolve to completely and utterly AVOID weeing on any sticks. Positive HPT’s got our hopes up so high last time, I’m sure it contributed to making the subsequent fall so painful. So, jaw clenched I slowly tick the days off. Every 24 hour period that passes without succumbing to the lure of the chemist is a success.

I’ve booked a massage today as a celebration of my second-last weekday of freedom. Work is already calling – I can smell Monday from here. It’s going to be a mental-plosion next week, which is probably a good thing. Keeping my mind off the last five days of the big wait.

*really sore boobs; very familiar-feeling (AF) cramps in my lower abdomen, lower back and upper thighs; a fair bit of CM … sorry if that’s too much info … !

(image: thank you)

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