I Had a Miscarriage

This week, we had our first appointment with our Fertility Specialist since this happened. I’ll go into more detail about the appointment soon, but one of the most significant things that Dr D said to us was: ‘You had a miscarriage at five weeks’. I can’t tell you how important it was to hear that. It wasn’t a ‘failed cycle’ or a ‘chemical pregnancy’.

 

Hello. My name is Bunless, and I had a miscarriage.

 

In hearing the words from an expert, I feel validated for mourning. And to be told we were actually pregnant – that is something in itself. It doesn’t stop the hurting, of which there is still truckloads, but it does ease the grieving a little.

I feel a lot better than I did almost a month ago. Which isn’t hard. What has replaced that sharp, stabbing feeling of bitter loss is something that is maybe even more difficult to manage.

It’s the white-noise of fear. A low hum of anxiety that sits behind the rolling pace of everyday life. ‘What if we never do this?’ ‘What if we are childess forever?’ I can’t shake this rising feeling of panic and loss of control. Every month that goes by seems to be another month we’ve missed out. It sounds melodramatic, I know. Yet I feel like everything else is on hold just for a baby. This is all we want. And we can’t get it. It feels like there’s nothing we can do.

My mother put it well: we’re running and running along the platform trying to catch that train. We never quite make it. And the only thing we can do is just keep running. It’s starting to feel like our own quiet purgatory.

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5 thoughts on “I Had a Miscarriage

  1. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. When I had my m/c I was at 8 weeks – that was almost 2 years ago – it still hurts, but the pain is a dull roar now. I am not sure it is a pain that will ever go away completely. The questions are endless and I pray that you will find peace. You don’t sound melodramatic – you sound like you are mourning a loss, which you are and which you have every right to do. Hopefully it won’t be too long before you are once again pregnant and have a baby in your arms.
    Thinking of you.

  2. I am glad that it was validated for you. I know that sounds silly but I completely understand. But even if it had not been validated you are still allowed to grieve and remember that little spark that was there for such a small time. I said to Chippie when I was bawling my eyes out how could something that had been in our life for a week mean so much and bring this much pain. Whether it was there for 12 weeks, 8 weeks, 4 weeks or 48 hours we have the right to grieve and remember what we lost. Stay strong sweetie xx

  3. I just had a mc earlier this month and feel exactly the way you did. I am in the stage of fear “what if this never happens for us???” We are having our first appointment with the RE since my surgery. I am both anxious and excited for the follow up with him. But terrified he will say, “Sorry, Jenna you have rotten eggs and there is nothing we can do to help you!” Thank you for sharing your story.

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